Commuters are mean.
And then yesterday I got diverted to West Croydon bus station and was told to wait in a big pile of people because “six bus routes run through here”... So when my bus came and no one got on and I attempted to run through this mound of people, shouting and waving my arms about like a mad woman and screaming STOP! That’s my bus!! NOOOOOO. And not one single person out of one hundred bothered to stop the bus that was 30cm away from them. Well these two events made me realise that people are kind of shit. But it also made me realise that we’ve been going about this making-commuters-happy-business the wrong way. NO MORE MELLIE NICE GIRL. I believe it can be done but, unlike what my good friend Jaime talked about recently, I have compiled a bit more... mental list of things to do on the tube. You see I hate avoiding people on public transport and I believe that if I make people feel uncomfortable enough then they HAVE to become my friends....
- - Google weird things on your phone if people insist on watching what you’re looking at on your phone. Last time I was caught googling “Hasidic Jewish sex”... Whilst you can’t really recover from looking up religious sect sex lives, they will feel more uncomfortable than you and stop looking... Then you can go back to looking at normal porn.
- - Similar to #1 – if people insist on reading your copy of the Metro... Instigate a deep and meaningful conversation about the articles you’ve just read. Even if it’s about something really rubbish. “I really feel that Amy from The Only Way is Essex’s current love life story is a mirror image of the torment bestowed upon West-East relations in the current post-structuralist climate. When they look sheepish ask why would they read over your shoulder unless they were prepared to discuss the sinister undertones in seemingly harmless articles about celebrities and current events.
- - If someone sneezes, say bless you. The combination of initial surprise and then happiness when they realise what you said always warms my heart!
- - Sing rap songs whilst listening to your ipod. The more off key the better. Even better, make up your own lyrics or “rap”. I tend to rap about how difficult it was to grow up in the hood of Surrey. "Yo, Sundays, I went to finishing school... isn't it."
- - When that man is looking over your shoulder down your top you turn round and say: “you'll pay for a Zoo magazine but you’re not going to give me any money to look at these bad boys?”
- - Race the man doing the Su Doku. “Are you sure that’s a 5?” Snigger if he gets a number wrong.Snigger if he doesn't. Try to compare answers.
- - Take photos of people sleeping and send them to me. Seriously, I love those photos. Especially when they’re mouth is open and they’re drooling. This is only for my amusement. You see I haven’t mastered this skill yet as last time I tried I left the flash on.