If you follow me on Twitter, you might have already caught my daily rants about working and commuting life... If not, LISTEN UP.
If there's one thing over exposure to the public teaches you is that even if you think you are the weirdest person you know, even if you think you were a bitch last week when you cancelled on your friend because you secretly just wanted to stay in and watch New Girl, and even if you like to dance to NOW 41 in front of your mirror on a Thursday night, there will ALWAYS be someone weirder, ruder and more detached from reality than you. And I'm pretty sure I'm on my way to meeting them all. Every last single crazy there is in the world. It's worse than an episode of Come Dine With Me (I watch that to reassure myself that I'm keeping it at a healthy level of cray cray.)
So... thank you Great British public, without you I would just feel weird.
- no matter how bad your day is going, there is always someone worse off. When I was inch deep into someone's armpit the other day, I got a text from my friend: "I'm at a conference on sponges."And suddenly I felt better. I like message my friends about all the crap I get up to in a hope that it will brighten their mornings face first into escalator ass when you trip over your own feet.
- If it's Saturday morning and a girl with a low cut top gets on the train and is making heavy breathing noises (and isn't 9 months pregnant), she's going to vomit. And if the train is delayed, she will vomit into her hands. In front of you. Before a ten hour shift. You will live tweet her progress.
-To the same effect, if anyone is having a break up. Please live tweet. Everyone thanks you. And if you keep having arguments on the train with your boyfriend. Everyone thanks you too.
- At work the other day a woman "shoo'd" me... in my face. I asked her if she was OK and she SHOO'D ME. Waved me away with her hand like I was the help. Some people are terrible, terrible people. I go into the public bathrooms and scream so that I can remain fresh faced and calm to outsiders.
People Men will pull their trousers in front of you to "check their size", they will continue to shove their crotch in your direction no matter how far you back away. You will not look directly at their penis. You will not look directly at their penis. You will not look directly at their penis.
- Talking of penises. When is it OK to tell someone their fly is open? What if their penis is lolling out of their shorts on the Central line? If I wait too long between the time the sit/stand by me, and the time I try to mention that I can see their sexy Purple Ronnie boxers, is it weird?
- Polite, passive aggression is the way forward. "Don't want to say sorry? no? Just want to push past someone half your size? Well you're a douchebag so thanks, I hope you fall over. Git."
-Keep looking up odd things on Google. It's absolutely irresistible to most people (including myself) to peer over my fellow commuters shoulders to see what gossip they're texting. Google odd medical ailments, weird sex positions or questions that make your nosy neighbour go home and have a good old think over whether they think an alligator or a brown bear would win in a cage death match.